the tortuga papers

On the eve of my 34th birthday...

2009-10-21T02:20:21Z

Okay, my birthday is tomorrow. And, as is my wont, here is my annual wrap up blog post.

I always like my birthday. Not in a "yay! look at me! it's my special day!" sort of way BECAUSE I ACTUALLY DON'T LIKE BEING THE CENTER OF ATTENTION, SILENT BOB. *cough* Sorry. Some underlying bitterness there leaking out. I just am, I guess you could say, bemused by them? I've been given the last rites one and two other times doctors have told me and my parents, "Well, either [tortuga] will get better in 24 hours or she'll die. Nothing to do but wait."   So I really never expected to get much beyond age 25. Every year past that has seemed like a bonus.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a "every day is a gift!" type person . I mean, I guess it is, and I do have an appreciation for the swiftness of life but I don't feel like I need to work extra hard and pay back the universe for my extra years. Actually, here's how I think about it: You know when you go to a vending machine and you get two of what you pushed the button? That's what I feel like with my life. It's all bonus. A total yay.

That's why it bums me out when life starts to drag like it has been lately. I mean, I know what's going on. My 33rd year has been one of transition. * And change can be thrilling, and exciting and scary. It also sort of sucks. I think I've been in the sucky part of the change.

Right around last year at this time I joined an online community. I didn't post much at first, and when people questioned it (because I didn't really know any of them or travel in the same professional circles) I said something along the lines of "I'm happy. I love my job. My career is kicking along. I'm crazy about my boyfriend. Everything is coming up [tortuga]!"

I don't know if that is what jinxed the fuck out of my life, but pretty much everything in that list is 180 degrees from that. I feel myself coming close to a depression. The boyfriend not only dumped me but also told me that he didn't ever really have romantic feelings for me. I hate my job. I'm annoyed at the town where I live. My career is still doing really well, but I'm just exhausted by it. I can't see myself keeping up this rat in a wheel thing for too much lonnger. I just sort of can't believe how it's all shaked out.

It will ultimately be for the best. I hope. I mean, clearly MPOW and Silent Bob were not meant for the long haul. So they had to go sometime. But it just sort of sucks while in the middle of it.

It wasn't all bad. I mean, not bad at all. JUST FILLED WITH CHANGE WHICH FREAKS ME OUT. Like the six million dollar man, I will rebuild myself.   So, anyhoo, in addition to transition, this was also the year that I really became more normal vis a vis my relationships with others. OKAY. I'LL SAY IT. I got friends, y'all! It's sort of nice. I'm still working on my trust issues, and I still am such a spooky loner that I'm sure my hermit tendencies freak people out. Still. I found people that I actually like and choose to talk to rather than just because they're around. That's cool. And probably good for me.

So, what do I want for my 34th year? (I like to do resolutions for my birthday instead of New Years.) Well,

(1) I think I'd definitely like to find a better work situation.

(2) I'd like to have a healthy romantifc relationship. Hell, I'd be happy just to find someone to crush on.

(3) Continue to get physically healthy. I could care less about how I look. I mean, I just don't hate on myself and how I look. I just don't have it in me to do it.   I just like that I'm losing weight because I feel better, can do more things and have more shopping options.

(4) Learn to relax again. Something's happened in the past two years that I can't veg out as easily as I could before.

(5) Re-find my zen. Sort of related to #4. I want to try and not get so worked up over petty shit. I used to be cool as a cucumber about life...nothing fazed me. (Probably related to aforementioned YOU'RE GOING TO DIE! OR MAYBE NOT! beside manner from my docs.) I want to get back to that chilled out person I used to be.

(6) Figure out something cool to do to my hair. Ha.

Okay, so that's that. I am really optimistic about year 34. It will probably be scary and exciting and miserable for the first part, at least. But good. I hope.

*For those of you keeping score at home, 30 was when I started my professional career and was horrible. Hated my job, hated my life, gained 70 pounds..just awful. 31 is my first year at MPOW. Basically just tried to get myself back to human. 32 was awesome. Started my professional blog and my career took off. Sealed the deal with Silent Bob. Loved my job. Traveled a lot. Lost a ton of weight. And then it all fell apart last year.

and so it begins...

2009-07-24T00:29:48Z

"This is gonna be so much worse than I imagined." - Prior Walter, Angels in America

Silent Bob called me today. I haven't heard his voice in months. He's traveling and needed a phone number. As way of thanking me he said, "You rock."

You rock?

Oh my God, this is going to be a long few days.

six days

2009-07-20T05:15:54Z

Well, hell.

I've been doing good, real good vis a vis Silent Bob. I'd blocked his FB June 1 and have been pretty successful at pretending he doesn't exist/never existed ever since. (Although I really wish I had installed that Greasemonkey script I found today a lot earlier, then I wouldn't see stupid things like him becoming a fan of RANDOM STUPID SHIT THAT SHOWS HE'S MERRILY GONE ON WITH LIFE WITHOUT A SECOND GLANCE BACK. ) *deep breathe* Sure, he popped a few times in my inbox, but after the two month hiatus he took from communicating with me which coincided with a really bleak period in my life, well...It was all either work related or lacking in any sort of interest from him...it all seemed so obligatory that it didn't affect me *too* much. And I have been civil to him in return.

Which is not to say that I'm not still hurting and haven't been hurting all this time. As I've said, it was one thing to get dumped. That sucked. That sucks for anyone....but it's part of life. Then to find out that all along he never had romantic feelings for me, that he was just "experimenting with normalcy" WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT MEANS. Well, that was a little out of the ordinary and salt in the wounds, especially because after Tiger I swore I'd never, ever, EVER get into an unrequited love situation again, and to not only get in that situation but then to realize that I had been making a total jackass of myself for 8 months...oh my God, Gentle Reader, you can't imagine the horror of realization that brought on. BUT WORSE STILL was the fact that he ditched me as a friend. That shit right there HURT. I mean, I felt (feel) physical pain when I think of it. So that's why I try not to. Probably no one was more surprised than I when some friends asked about the situation with him in mid-June and I started to cry just talking about it calmly. So I've been trying to not think about it or talk about it or otherwise dwell too much, publlically or privately, on the situation.

So, smashcut to this past Tuesday when he writes me this mopey email about his parents being sick and how he's going to have to move to the midwest now from California and that he was apologizing in advance for how he's going to act at an upcoming conference. I don't know...for some reason this has really thrown me for a loop. I really don't understand why he felt the need to tell me all this. That whole not talking to me thing? Sort of led me to believe that he had written my crazy ass off and wanted nothing to do with me. He has a ton of friends now from his graduate program and a roommate now...why isn't he telling them this stuff? And I wasn't really planning on spending much time with him at the big conference next week anyway since I figured he'd be avoiding me like the plague.

I was polite to him (of course.) Even very nice to him. What was I supposed to do? His dad has cancer, his mom had emergency surgery, and he's having to mediate a estranged family pow-wow this coming week. It's just not in me to tell him to "fuck off" under those circumstances. But now! So many questions! What about the graduate program he was starting in the fall? I thought he'd never leave California...it made the whole break up thing easier because I know I sure as shit would never have wanted to move there. But now he's coming to my area of the country? And why is he telling me all of this stuff? And now I'm up at 1:30 am on a work night writing a blog post because my stomach is in knots and I can't stop thinking about him.

Six days...six days y'all and I will be seeing him again. I don't know what's going to happen. I find my mind drifting into thinking that it would be like it was before...but the before was a lie. I need to remember that. Part of me wants to hold him and have a good sob and the other part thinks I should show no emotion and not allow myself to be alone with him. I just really miss the lie.

status update

2009-06-29T19:43:59Z

I don't miss him, but I really miss the man I thought he was. I just have to remember to keep the two separated.

I win

2009-06-11T23:53:45Z

He wrote me first.

But then I checked and he hasn't written me since May 19 (I haven't written him either in that time) and hasn't written me without me writing him first since April 13.

AND THEN I GOT MAD ALL OVER AGAIN.

it's inspirational quote day, apparently

2009-05-26T19:07:28Z

“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done. Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit.”

-- Rocky Balboa

on happiness

2009-05-26T18:39:39Z

Found a most excellent passage today while reading a comment to a FOAF LJ. Original here.

The thing about happiness is that it is, perversely enough, a terrible goal. You can't plan happiness. You can't work for happiness. All you can do is work to build a life that has a minimum of true regret. For me, that means trying to live honestly and intrepidly and minimize the hurt I do to others or myself in the process. It means taking risks, so that I don't regret the things I was afraid to try. It means doing the things that bring me joy, and setting things up so that the people in my life, whether friends or lovers, are people with whom I am comfortable being me, people who bring out the parts of me that I like, and people who bring me joy.

Happiness is a side-effect, I think. It's a side-effect of living the best way you can manage, with as few regrets as possible. For some people, that means living for adrenaline highs and big powerful moments. For some people that means living in the service of a principle or a goal, or making art, or studying something. For some people, that means the quiet contentment of work to do and a place to go when work is done, friends to eat with on a Friday night. For some people, it means some combination of all of those, or something else entirely.

It takes time to learn how you want to live and what you need for happiness. It's taken me most of the past fifteen years, at least. But it's not a race, and it's not a diagnostic checklist: you learn things as you go, and it doesn't matter how anyone else is doing it—whether other people are hitting different milestones in a different order.

So give yourself the time to mourn, and feel bad, and figure out what you can learn about what kind of life you want and what brings you joy. What do you want in a lover or a mate? What really won't work? What do you want from yourself (this is important, since it's the only thing you can absolutely control for)? What brings you joy, and what have you regretted doing or not doing?

Winter isn't about scorched earth. It's about time to slow down, take stock, and wait for spring.

A great H:LOTS quote

2009-05-18T00:32:15Z

"You know, every day I get out of bed and drag myself to the next cup of coffee. I take a sip and the caffeine kicks in. I can focus my eyes again. My brain starts to order the day. I'm up, I'm alive. I'm ready to rock. But the time is coming when I wake up and decide that I'm not getting out of bed. Not for coffee, or food or sex. If it comes to me, fine. If it won't, fine. No more expectations. The longer I live, the less I know. I should know more. I should know the coffee's killing me. You're suspicious of your suspicions? I'm jealous, Kay; I'm so jealous. You still have the heart to have doubts. Me? I'm going to lock up a 14-year-old kid for what could be the rest of his natural life. I got to do this. This is my job. This is the deal. This is the law. This is my day. I have no doubts or suspicions about it. Heart has nothing to do with it any more. It's all in the caffeine."

-Lt. Frank Pembleton, Homicide: Life on the Street

It's not analogous to how I'm feeling now, but I was just reminded of that by someone on FriendFeed.

Words to Live By

2009-05-18T00:08:49Z

From Strangers in Paradise, Pocket Book 6, page 160:

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Try it again and I'll kick your ass and trash your car and spam your email and post your phone number on myspace and write your unauthorized biography and train your dog to poop when the phone rings then sign you up for ever call list in the country." - Katchoo

Yep.

on the other side

2009-05-15T00:31:42Z

Okay, let's see....in the past week I have had to endure a crap ton of work drama (like, trapped in an office while boss cried about personal betrayal drama), said goodbye to Silent Bob for the last time, worked my ass off on a project which I lost hours on because of stupid mistakes and other obligations, had a less than perfect run-through for this nation-wide presentation I'm doing next week, and my parents farm was horribly vandalized.

And I'm in an okay mood.

I guess I'm over the depression I was in for most of March and April. Yay.

BOOM - moar insight

2009-05-09T18:58:08Z

I posted this story about a library on my FB today with the comment, "Books are for use." I didn't make that shit up, it's part of something called Raganathan's Five Laws of Library Science. But anyway, I was thinking about that as I was putting away my laundry, and I thought about a convo I had with Silent Bob on Thursday. To wit, he said that just because he doesn't talk to me anymore, that doesn't mean anything. He has friends he doesn't talk to for months or years at a time, but they're still friends.

I responded, I have people like that too. Tiger, for instance. I love him dearly, but I don't talk to him very much and I certainly wouldn't feel right about calling him up when I had a randomly bad day. The analogy that I came up with is that I have my good china and my daily place settings. I love them both equally, but I don't eat PB & J off of my good china. And I don't want to be put on a shelf, admired from afar but not utilized except on special occassions.

So, anyway, I'm thinking I need to work on a "Five Laws of Relationships". 1) Friends are for use.

more full moon clarity

2009-05-09T16:45:07Z

Okay, one of the more hurtful things about Silent Bob's behavior is that I stuck with him through thick and thin, but now that he's got his new classmates and a full social calendar with a bunch of pretty 25 year old co-ed friends, he doesn't have time for me, even though I really needed him right now.

He's actually moving in with one of them at the end of the month...she uses pictures of her boobs as her FB profile pic, lists her interests as "beer and men" and made a comment to one his posted items along the lines of "suicide is natural selection." Charming, eh? The last thing is especially delicious as Silent Bob has Bipolar Disorder and was even institutionalized. They'll be living in her aunt's condo and Silent Bob is going to save around $550 a month by living there.

So, anyway, I've been figuring that he's ditched me for these pretty young things in an attempt to regain the youth he lost while he was crazy. I mean, whenever I was with him, he'd complain like an old man about his back, and his digestion and his GOUT. He liked to spend his time reading Jane Austen and drinking tea. But now he can go out drinking and parties. Funny how that's worked out, huh?

But it just occurred to me, as I was staring at my woefully low checking account this morning and thinking how he just purchased plane tickets to visit someone else, I wonder if he's using her for the cheap rent? I mean, he had no problem poor mouthing it to me, letting me pay for meals, BORROWING MONEY FROM ME...maybe he's moved on from me and replaced me with a younger prettier model not just because she more fun but because he can more directly use her for monetary reasons too?

Call me a bitch, but that made me feel a little better, somehow.

ROI

2009-05-09T02:52:27Z

A friend told me today that in addition to craziness, Full Moons bring clarity. After a final boo-hoo today over Silent Bob while I was stuck in traffic, I finally snapped out of it. I've compared my two weeks away from FB and SB to allergy tests....you know, take something away and see if you feel better. Well, the net result of me emailing him yesterday and today is that I felt like crap and cried.

I don't think I'll be contacting him again.

When and if he contacts me...which I very much doubt he will...here's the letter waiting for him in my email drafts folder:

I don't know what happened or what I could have done differently, but in the course of about two months you went from being one of my best friends that I talked to several times a day to you not returning my emails.

Here's the thing:

1) You used me.
2) You took my money... $250 at least, not counting travel costs.
3) You abandoned me when I really needed you.

We're just two very different people with really incompatible wants and needs. I just wish I'd realized this before I wasted all that time, energy, emotion and expense on someone who had no interest in reciprocating. At least I learned a lesson.

good advice gone bad

2009-05-07T16:47:31Z

I get lots of good advice..from friends, from family, from my horoscope. One of these days, I will hear this advice and say, "You know, that's a really good point. I'm totally going to do that." Instead of "You know, that's a really good point. I'm going to do the complete opposite of that." *sigh* Against my better judgment, I emailed Silent Bob today and hopped back onto Facebook. I guess I was getting scared that he'd never contact me again. But then I guess if he didn't ever contact me again, that'd mean something, right? The idea of it all going to pot because of a lack of communication drives me batty. But now I'm all riled up again. So maybe I shouldn't have talked to him. But sometimes you can't help tearing off the bandaid and scratching the scab, you know?

Linkage:

Look at this fucking hipster - Literally had me LOLing in my office at lunch.

Awkward Family Photos - I don't care if looking at stupid, old pictures on the Internet is played out. I love these sites.

Venetia Phair - The woman who named Pluto died this week. Very interesting life story. Sometimes I wish that I had been born about a hundred years earlier...I think it was easier to have a facsinating life then.

Science history...crumbling!

Writer's Block: Meant to Be?

2009-05-05T14:10:27Z

Do you believe in fate? Why or why not?

Submitted By and2c_hersmile

View 501 Answers

Yes, very much so. I think it's because it's easier. If it's out of my hands it's out of my hands and if there's nothing I can do about it, well then...that's just one less thing to worry about.

this is why you're fat

2009-05-04T00:26:36Z

New from Domino's Pizza: Pasta...in a BREAD BOWL.

Um, can I have a Diet Coke with that?

Avenue Q

2009-05-03T01:05:40Z

Went to see Avenue Q for the first time today. I think I understand RentHeads now. It was hilarious except this song sort of made me cry a little.

Still avoiding Facebook. Correlation does not necessarily mean causation, but I feel much more sane now.

April 30, 2009

2009-04-30T21:10:32Z

Fuck April.

I am so glad that this month is just about over. It started off with a bad bang and sort of got slowly and steadily worse. I mean, not the worse month I've had by a long shot, but I feel really ground down by it. I'm sad, I'm lonely, my bank account is at it's lowest point since Grad School (thank you, suprise car repair!) and I've realized that not only do I hate my job deep down, but that I have to leave it ASAP for my health's sake.

But tomorrow is a brand new month and a new opportunity to start. Plus, it's Beltane! The walls between worlds are thin and summer is on the way. (Not that I really like summer, but I am so sick of the coldness of winter.) And I'm digging myself out, emotionally and financially.

Some linkage:

Ferrett tells you how to dump someone.

Grover Krantz was awesome. Not only did he spend his life studying BIG FOOT, but after he died, he was mounted in the Smithsonian with his dog. Now, this doesn't make the Big List of Things tortuga Gets Het Up About, but I'm generally annoyed about people not realizing that when you see a mummy or a skeleton or other body artifact in a museum, they don't always connect to the fact that this was a REAL LIVE HUMAN that lived and loved and probably never thought they'd spend enternity having their body stared at by a bunch of sixth graders on a field trip. It's totally not the purpose of his exhibit, but I really like that this skeleton is an easily identifiable formerly living human.

I get way too much enjoyment out of searching Twitter for Swine flu news. And...quick! Do you have Swine Flu?

I'm re-reading this and gaining strength from it. It got me over Tiger and by God, it will get me over Silent Bob too. Speaking of Tiger, he's doing well. Going on a jungle expedition for two months (hand to God, that's what it's called!), leaving the day after tomorrow. I love him so much. In an alternate reality we're married, but as it stands now we're soulmates and good friends. (NOTE: I don't want to marry him...it's not that I "only think of him as a brother" or he's otherwise not my type. Very much the opposite. It's just that the areas of my heart that were available to him have been cauterized, by his own doing, and I can't ever feel that way towards him again.) I think I would like to find someone that's a combo of Tiger and Silent Bob. Smart, funny, not a drug addict, capable of showing emotion (Hell, capable of having emotions), common interests...That might be a good thing to try and find.

Although I broke with FB this week, I am really enjoying GoodReads thus far. And I'm addicted, sadly, to the Southern Vampire Series. I'm hoping to purchase the final book thus far in the series this evening. (And The Stand if it's at the used bookstore, since the Swine Flu hysteria has gotten me thinking about it again.) And True Blood starts up in June. Yay!

taking a break

2009-04-30T00:43:17Z

I've seen some of my friends leave the Internet or social networking sites recently. I don't blame them. I'm doing the same myself. Not all of them, mind you...just a temporary hiatus from Facebook. I've also removed a lot of the feeds/blogs I follow. And avoiding IM.

It's been four days and I honestly feel a lot better. I mean, it sounds stupid, but whenever I would post something (or respond to something) I would feel compelled to check back repeatedly to see if someone responded. And then possibly think of a response to their response. I really didn't mind if no one commented because, frankly, that rarely happens. (It helps to have a stalker.) And I would feel like I needed to be on the lookout for witty things to list as a status or links to post. I mean, I didn't scour the Internet looking for links to share (although sometimes when I was bored I would) but everytime I would read something I would think "should I hit the FB share button?".

And why????

This is the thing that kills me. Of my 250 FB "friends", how many genuinely care about me? 15%? 10%? Less? I mean, if I were to die tomorrow, how many would feel a noticable emptiness in their life? How many would come to my funeral? How many would ever think about me again?

There's a couple of things that I've discovered recently.

(1) I have many, many acquaintances, but very few friends. Sure people like me, but that's because I'm funny or they think I can help them network or I'm nice to them and they don't have many people that are nice to them. Lots of people are willing to take from me in one form or another. But how many are willing to give? I lost.my.shit. at work last week when I told people seeking help, how many offered kind words or a ear? Not bloody many. This wouldn't be quite so galling had I not listened to them whine, or loaned them my car (or money) or done lots of other things for them in their times of need. I didn't mind it at the time, because that's what friends do. I have been warned before about considering the ROI of relationships and ignored this advice because I didn't think that it was right. Maybe I need to reconsider.

(2) I think I have been relying way too much on the passiveness of Facebook and how you can pretend to be involved in someone's life without having to make any actual effort. And vice versa.

And (3) lately I've been reading too much into things that are posted or not realizing that something posted was bigger than I thought it is. Thus, I've decided that if I need to know something, people will email or call me to tell me about it. If I don't get told, then either it was't that important or I'm not that important. Either way, clearly it's not something I need to be wasting my time and energy on.

So, what have I been doing in my new found free time? Reading. A lot of reading. I've burned through 4 or 5 Sookie Stackhouse novels in that past week. (Not sleeping last week helped with that.) And going to bed early (the week, at least), which has been nice. Just cocooning in general. In many ways, after the drama of last week, I feel like a walking exposed nerve so I haven't felt like I wanted to interact with others in situations that I couldn't guarantee would be safe. I'm cautiously posting on twitter, and locked rooms on FF. I'm okay here. And email, of course.

I guess this is also a test for me (and for others.) I'm not saying that if no one contacts me after not hearing from me that they're off the list. But I am curious to see if I miss not seeing updates from some people and if they miss hearing from me. Or if we have anything to talk about besides quiz results or a "that's cool" in response to an article posted.

So that's what I'm up to.

forgiveness

2009-04-26T18:44:53Z

As I mentioned I had a slight breakdown at work earlier this week. And I had another one on Wednesday in my boss' office. During the course of breakdown #2, she said, "Well, you know that given the fact that you have basically 2 jobs to do, you know that you don't have to do them both perfectly, that it's okay if some things just don't get done, right?"

And, um, I sort of realized that it hadn't occurred to me.

I also was able to come up with a name for the feelings that I have been feeling about everything the felt wrong in my life lately...my workload, getting dumped, work politics, my family relationships....namely, I feel like a failure. I realized that deep down I feel like if I had just worked a little harder or done something different, I'd have a boyfriend, be able to do all aspects of my 1.5 jobs, keep up with tenure track madness, have a ton of friends and adoring family and do it all without a problem.

How the fuck did I end up being one of those type of women that end up crying on Oprah because they're killing themselves while trying to 'have it all'? Shouldn't I at least be driving a nicer car if I've ended up in that position?

So, the plan is to stop feeling like a failure. I'm not supposed to be able to do all of this stuff, so I shouldn't feel bad when it doesn't get done. I am not a failure and if I start to feel that way, I should forgive myself.

breakdown shakedown

2009-04-21T22:49:17Z

I am at home taking a mental health day. I think I had a slight nervous breakdown yesterday. Not really sure why....it's not like yesterday was any worse than any other. And I have *never* cried at work before. I don't know that I have ever had a spontaneous sobbing fit like that without some direct cause. I think the cumulative toll of the past four months finally broke me.

I don't know..I'm just so tired of all the scheming and secrets and politics of MPOW. There's secret meetings and alliances and pre-meeting meetings where plots and plans are made and post-meeting meetings where future schemes are plotted. I can't keep all this shit straight! I feel like I'm the only person that doens't consistently put themself first over the job. And I don't mean that they're choosing to not do something because doing a task would harm them, a feat I am failing to do. I mean, if they think it's "beneath them" or would inconvience them in the slightest way EVEN THOUGH IT'S THEIR FUCKING JOB they don't do it. And does anyone ever tell me that I'm doing a good job? No. They just tell me I need to do more.

I just give up. I am reminded of a line from The Wire..."The game is rigged, but you cannot lose if you do not play" I'm about ready to take my ball and go home. It's bad enough the understaffing and the fact that I keep getting more shit piled on me because I do my work while Tweedle Dee spends his time locked in his office day trading and Tweedle Dum spends a good three hours a day complaining about how much work she has to do But then the extra drama and secrets and politics? No. HELL NAW.

Since I was in Tweedle Dee's office when it happened, he tried to offer advice on how he survives.   But I don't really want to be an obnoxious asshole that nobody likes and is rude to the patrons like he is. And I don't trust him..every thing is a plan or scheme with him. But clearly I cannot continue on my present course.   I mean, I've even fallen back into some unhealthy habits that I had back in high school when I was the Type A overachiever. I need to find that balance.

I slept in until past noon today and have spent the rest of the day sitting on the couch goofing off. Not going in to work until just before I have to teach tomorrow. Asked boss for meeting when I come back. Need to start making escape plans if meeting is unsatisfactory.

April 14, 2009

2009-04-14T20:16:28Z

"We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us." -Charles Bukowski

Your NPR name

Shroud of Turin Could be Real - Well, shit, now they tell us. That announcement about being a fake just about destroyed a young tortuga's faith.

Let's Do This Thang

2009-04-11T04:00:04Z

Okay, I'm ready to start blogging in earnest again.

1) I'm in the middle of a big change period...I've been at my current job for just about 3 years now and I'm starting to feel itchy. I mean, I'm doing pretty good at it (dare I say successful?) and enjoy it, but there's some specific things that drive me crazy. So, I need to figure out what I want to do in my next job, where I want to go, and when I want to do it. You know, just those little things. Also, my€ personal life is in turmoil too....I'm at a point where I've gained a lot of new friends lately and had (and just lost) a romantic relationship (although the details of that are a doozy in and of themselves). OH, and I've lost about 60 pounds in the past year and am starting to feel confident in myself in ways other than my sparkling wit. So I gots a lot of stuff to sort out.

2) I have been finding a lot of crap on the Internet that I want to share. And you can only email, post on Facebook, share on twitter so many before you start to be annoying. So here shall reside my linkspam. Also, there's some people that I really need to wean myself off of.

3) Also about my job...I work a lot. A LOT. To the detriment of my life. Real life. Although most of my social life is attached to my professional one, so you can see where there's a problem. So I hope to use this space to be creative or explore something else than what I have to think about for the 9 to 5.

So, here we go. Older entries have been deleted because I like the fresh starts and clean slates. I'm a gonna write myself out of this hole...I've done it before and I'll do it again.

Since this is the first entry, I'm going to steal a page from theferrett and the entry he just did today to catch y'all up.

Who am I?

Just call me tortuga. All lowercase, thank you. That's all you need to know right now.

Who am I involved with and for how long?

No one at the present. Not much of a dater.   Most recent relationship went for around 8 months, but apparently wasn't a relationship at all because he CAN'T FEEL LOVE. But I sort of hold out hope that he will learn so maybe we'll get (back) together? I dunno...I am seriously messed up from this most recent experience. Ironically, this was my first attempt at trying for romance after taking a year off because the guy before him messed me up bad too. ROMANCE...it don't work out for me!

Where do I live?

I live in the South, in one of them Red States. I'd rather not get more specific than that because I'm trying to keep it anonymous here.

What do I do?

I'm a librarian. I don't want to get more specific than that (and YES, there are many specialties of librarians...we don't all work in a public libraries. Oh, and we do more than check out books.) I work in a somewhat specialized field and, again, I'm really trying to not blow the anonymity. Oh, I have just been told is the *second* hottest profession for a woman to have. WHAT?

What are my polticial/religious leanings?

Hmmm...politically I guess I'm left of center socially, maybe slightly to the right fiscally. I believe that gays should be allowed to marry, that the war in Iraq was a mistake to be with, that you can criticize your government without losing your patriotism, people should be allowed to own guns, and that cheap and available healthcare is a right.   Basically, there are certain areas the government should step in: to protect civil rights, to protect the enviroment, to otherwise protect health and safety, be it food/drug regulations, OSHA stuff or unions. In all other cases, the goverment should leave people alone.

And, no, I don't really want to argue about this. You wanna discuss policies and get all wonkish? Okay, I'm your girl. You want to spout the party line and never change your opinion? Leave me alone. Silly partisan hack jackasses have left me cold when it comes to political arguments lately.

Religiously, I was raised Catholic, and for the most part still consider myself one although I haven't been in a church for awhile. I also have strong pagan leanings, though, which sort of makes sense given the fact that the Eastern European Catholicism I was raised in borrowed heavily from the local pagans.

What are my notable maladies?

I was born with a congenital kidney defect that caused me to spend most of my childhood either in bed, having horrible medical tests performed on me, or having to restrict my activities so that I didn't get sick.   At age 19 I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease that requires me to be very vigilant about not getting sick, but for the most part isn't bad. I'm technically in remission, but have the occassional flare up that makes me tired and covered with bruises. I also have bouts of depression.

What are my notable hobbies?

Photography comes the closest, but I don't really have one, which I'd like to change. Does surfing the Internet count as a hobby? I'm trying to read more too.