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Would you live in the perfect house or apartment rent-free if you found out a brutal murder had taken place there and it was rumored to be haunted? Why or why not?

Heck yeah.  (a) You can do things to get rid of ghosts, like sage smudges and exorcisms.  (b) I've lived in a haunted house and it's not too bad.  I mean, maybe if the walls bleed and I'm woken up by screaming I'd take a pass, but a possible haunting ain't nothing to sweat.

maybe I want to know, maybe I don't....

The suspense, Mr Lies, it's KILLING me.

2011 Resolutions

1. Figure out what makes me happy and do that.

2. Identify the things, people and situations that make me unhappy and avoid them.

3. Act, don't react.

4. More massages, yoga and otherwise take care of my mind and body.

5. Take an actual vacation.

That seems pretty doable.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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on the bright side...

I fell in love with my BFF when I was 13.  It was a coup de foudre / love at first sight type deal.  And I still love him (and he loves me) - if there's such a thing as soul mates, we are.  But it's not a romantic love.  And the process of transitioning from romantic love to platonic love (which happened when I was 30) was so incredibly painful, I honestly thought it was going to kill me at times.

After it happened, I remember making a conscious decision to red shirt myself from love for a while. I couldn't risk the possibility of going through that again.  Then I met Silent Bob at a conference about six months later.  We hit it off immediately and became good friends.  After knowing him for about 8 months, I realized that I was starting to have romantic feelings for him.  As time progressed, it became clear it was mutual. (Although, of course, later on after it was all over he said he wasn't capable of love and was just going through the motions with me because he thought it'd make him happy but he still felt okay about BORROWING $400 FROM ME AND SLEEPING WITH ME EVEN THOUGH I TOLD HIM I TOOK THAT SORT OF THING SEROUSLY arrrrggh...but, I digress.)  So, anyway, we had about 18 months of the excitement and fun of transitioning from friends to more.  I really loved him by the end.

Then, as I alluded to, it ended. Badly.  Like, in worst the way imaginiable and played upon some of my deepest fears about myself,  namely that no one will ever love me. And I was really, really hurt and it took me a while to get my groove back.  But finally, as I realized yesterday, I'm pretty much indifferent to his existence.  I try to avoid talking to him just because I'm petty like that, but I'm not angry or hurt or scared or (even) still in love with him.

I guess, given the experience with the BFF, it's hard for me to accept/realize that I can love 'em and leave 'em and move on. But, as it turns out, I can!  And realizing that, it doesn't feel like such a big risk to try and love again in the future.

it's the little things...

I have finally found an eyebrow pencil that perfectly matches my not-quite-brown not-quite-red hair. This pleases me. Greatly.

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six months!

 Six months! I been in my new...everything...six months!  It's not been a particularly fun or easy six months, but now that I feel that I'm on the way back up, it's okay.   There's so much to cover in my current state of affairs that  I think I'm going to do a +/- list to cover it all.

+ really like my job. perfectly positioned for me to learn a bunch of new skills and try out new things plus they like the fact that I'm "famous" in my sector of library world and encourage my extra-curricular activities.
- I'm sort of sick of doing the extra curricular stuff and just want to concentrate on my new job
- four major deadlines this month
+ two of them result in travel, which yes, sort of makes me crazy and is exhausting, but part of me really loves hotels.
+/- then I'm sort of scott free! except for this article I need to write in november. and if those conference proposals I wrote get accepted.
+ I love where I live. Perfect small college town america
+ I live close enough to Chicago to go in for the afternoon.  I LOVE CHICAGO.  Seriously. Love it.  Never thought I'd ever be lucky enough to live here. 
+ I also live close to orchards and other country type stuff so I get to balance out both parts of me
+ currently eating a pumpkin doughnut from orchard. I'm not saying it's better than sex. I'm just saying don't make me choose.
+ back to exercising (i.e. walking to work) and eating slightly healthier.  Feel better physically for it. 
- scared to try on khakis that I bought last spring because they are probably not going to fit - I won't feel like a failure or have emotional trauma because of this...I just don't want to spend time/money buying more clothes
- really need to do the seasonal clothing switch. too lazy to though, so feeling confined by the choices in my closet which is stupid because I have a ton of stuff in storage
+ it's fall! crisp and cool and lovely! Fall is totally my power season
- Have vague stirrings of missing the farm during this time of year, but I also know that it wouldn't be as good as my memories. 
+/- feel sort of weird about not missing my family.  it's more along the lines of "my parents are old and they'll probably be dead within the decade and I hope I don't regret not spending more time with them now when they're dead."  of course, I was totally up in their grill and vice versa until...six months ago, probably 10 years longer than most people and their family.  It's time for me to move on and have my own life. It's what people do. I need to stop feeling guilty for it
+ feeling pretty good about my social situation and support network
- friend that I had weird blowup with is gone for good I think. however, I can now say I tried to patch things up (and was rejected) so I'm able to have some closure on the situation
+ IMAGINARY FRIEND WITH BENEFITS. 
+/- I should probably worry more about the IFWB situation, but maybe taking something as it goes without overthinking it is a good thing?
+ my friend K is coming for a visit this month. We've never met in person and we're either going to get on like a house afire or try to set each other on fire.  Not sure which. EXCITING
- I need to plan a visit with my friend Susan, of the terrible romance book suggestions.  It's been far too long since I've seen her.
+ Silent Bob continues to pop up every now and then. I mostly feel pity when he does, with occasional flashes of anger because I can't help but suspect that he's public declarations of how much I rock are mainly for the benefit of the other viewers, since I am in a professional position of power.  Also, bastard still owes me $400.
+ I really love my house, even if it is hellishly ugly  I think I'm going to ask about the possiblity of repainting. If I could just remove the wallpaper in the living room/dining room and paint with a warmer color, I'd be happy.
+ Finally came up with a furniture arrangement for living room that feels right, plus allows me to look out my giant bay window
+ GIANT CHAIR WITH OTTOMAN

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what a difference a few days makes

Well, ever since I decided to say "fuck it" to being upset and just move on and actively work to make things better (with mixed results), I've felt 1000% better. Less tense, less upset...like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.  It probably appears to be somewhat crazy plan, but I don't care.  I'm relaxed and happy again.

I've also been sleeping through to my alarm instead of waking up at 5:30 for the first time since July.  I CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS WEEKEND. God I miss sleep.

shopping list

In spite of or maybe because of everything going on, as part of my Monday good mood I started to get my shit together. I've been in what I call one of my Fat Elvis stages since, oh...March. Maybe I never recovered from the holidays. In retrospect, ever since I came back from Boston/NYC in mid-January, this has been a roller coaster year.

Anyway, that's something to write on another day.

The point is, all year I've been traveling too much, eating junk, not walking to work as much. Plus the move and the travel have left my finances in shambles. None of which I feel shame about. I've sort of enjoyed the decadence, actually. But it's time to get this shit under control.

So, I'm making an effort to eat healthier and walk to work (not hard now that it's not sweat dripping down your ass crack hot anymore) and I finally took the (scary for me) step of writing out my bills and subtracting them from my salary. I fucked up the math at first, which was awesome and thought that I was living $200 above my means every month. FUN TIMES. Actually, I'm doing okay financially. I have higher rent here and I'm trying to pay off the three self funded conferences I put on my credit card, but still, I actually can start trying to save money. You know, like an adult.

I'm not big on material possessions, but I'm starting to realize that there's stuff I need to buy because of the move and the whole being an adult and time to stop living like a college student with worn out shit thing. So. The List (which I will probably come back and add to a few times):

1) yard tools - rake, shovel, hedgeclippers
2) snow blower and/or snow shovel
3) mums for yard
4) a new car
5) a hot tub
6) patio furniture
7) a new head board
8) a day bad frame for office bed/couch
9) a bicycle
10) a snow mobile

I got a decent lounge chair finally yesterday, so that's one thing off of the list. Now it's just a matter of prioritizing and budgeting. (The size of my credit card debt freaked me right the fuck out...so, no buying things until I can actually pay for them.)

I'm kind of a big deal...

There's no way to say this without sounding snotty, but...

I really wish people would stop asking me to write books. 

GOD, I FEEL LIKE SUCH A JERK FOR EVEN COMPLAINING ABOUT THAT OUT LOUD.

I hate writing stuff for other people, dealing with deadlines, and I'm actively trying to limit my professional activities and concentrate on my 9 to 5 and getting a life outside of my profession. But I've been so go-go-go professionally for the past five years that it's hard to pull back the reigns.  I mean, I'm "famous" enough. I'm successful enough. I'm wealthy enough.

enough. enough. enough.